Fun Stuff!



(contributed by Mary Woods)


If I had a hi-fi
Madam, in Eden, I'm Adam
War, sir, is raw
Yo, banana boy!
Do geese see God?
Rise to vote, sir
Was it a cat I saw?
Was it a car or a cat I saw?
Never odd or even
No devil lived on
A Toyota's a Toyota
No lemons, no melon
Now I see bees, I won
Race fast, safe car
Ah, Satan sees Natasha
A dog, a panic in a pagoda
Ma is as selfless as I am
Nurse, I spy gypsies, run!
A man, a plan, a canal: Panama
A dog, a plan, a canal, pagoda
Was it Eliot's toilet I saw?
No, sir, away! A papaya war is on!
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog
I, madam, I made radio! So I dared! Am I mad? Am I?

Reading Test


(contributed by Bob Mitchell)

>Snappy Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir,I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

> Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

> Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

> Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads
"low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No sir, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

> Snappy Answer(s) #5 A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."The agent replied, "I'! m sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating,the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone."May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F***you! "Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

> Snappy Answer #6 A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow." A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class stifled their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student and said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


Are You Ready?

It's the All New


(contributed by Gary Sharpe)

1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss ... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
17. The early bird still has to eat worms.
18. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' and start all over?
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
22. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
23. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
24. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


(contributed by R. Hoffner)

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

You have the right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

Fun Stuff!
  <B>Offbeat Stories</B>

Revised financial investment definitions:

  1. CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
  2. CFO: corporate fraud officer.
  3. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
  4. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
  5. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
  6. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
  7. BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
  8. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
  9. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
  10. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
  11. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
  12. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
  13. CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
  14. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
  15. WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
  16. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
  17. PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.

CLICK HERE to Play "Famous Disc Jockeys" QUIZ!

(Attention linguaphiles: click here for)
(Today's Word)


Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were ours first.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling ours.
B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.
Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
Hedonism - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, looses.
Baptist - Once played always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.



(an old-favorite, contributed by Betsy Nouss-Guinan)

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and The Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

New York Radio Memories


(contributed by Nancy Nouss Brown)

  1. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

  2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

  3. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

  4. Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?

  5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  6. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

  7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

  8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

  9. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

  10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

  11. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

  12. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

  13. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

  14. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

  15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

  16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

  17. If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

  18. If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?



For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...
A few statements to ponder...

  1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
  2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
  8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear he still wrong?
  10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  11. Is there another word for synonym?
  12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
  13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
  14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

This Site Powered By:

Thanks to Mary Woods of New York and Nancy Nouss of Connecticut for sending many of these to us!
And thanks to Josh in Massachusetts for giving us the link to A.Word.A.Day!

More "tidbits" are on the way--so visit us again soon!

Fun Stuff is brought to you by:

Developing Successful Biz on the World Wide Web

Developing Successful Businesses on the World Wide Web